Sorry guys it has been a few days since I wrote. I feel what is the point i just get more stupid by the day I think. So things with J are still pretty much the same. His brother is gone back home so of course eh is calling em like crazy and just showing up at the house and wanting to come home. He tried to tell him his stupid lie of what he did all weekend. Why lie? If you are going to admit to me you smoked ice and paid for all 3 of your friends to do it to why would it matter all the other stuff about the weekend. He changed his number again so nobody would have it. I let him stay here the other night to talk about things. First thing he did after not seeing the kids for a week was started gripping at them. I would assume that afterw hat he did to us AGAIN please note AGAIN he would be a little appriaciative that we let him have a chance to come home. I thought possibly he could change he left a message with a drug councelor to get an appointment (then a changed his number and still for 3 days hasnt called to give the new number so I guess he wont be going there). Anyways I thought he could be really sweet and bnice tous and be happy! No he came home acting just liek he didnt do what he did and was never gone..... I dont think so You made me completely miserable before and you arent going to coem home and act to be a little sorry and happy to be home. I ended up telling him that I didn't want him there but it was already like 11:00 and he had o be up at 3 for work so I knew he wouldnt leave but I slept on the couch and told him to be sure and take all his shit he brought with him in the morning.
Then the next day when he got off you know he didnt have any plans to go and get his kids but my oldest daughter cut her head open and I had to leave work early and take her to the er. He got off work went and did a few things he needed to do I was assuming he would come up there, she did have to get staples in her head and that can be tramatic for a 5 year old. No, when I asked him "Are you coming up here?" His response was " No, its not liek sheis in icu and you are there, I don't want to come up there and just sit for hours". He is such a half ass parentif even that. Finally after sitting there for hours( and yes I mean hours) he comes up there. She was really happy he was there, she wouldnt even hold my hand while they did it she had to hold his. I hate tht the kids want him so bad and yet he doesnt want to be there. He kept telling me" me and you arent even getting along, why would I come" Why does he not get he wasnt there for me it was for her. Then I had to hear the whole time " We are going to work this out, can I come home tonight" and "Do I get a thank you I am here arent I" FUCK HIM!!!!! I hate him so damn much!!!!
Oh yeah then after we leave I called him later on and he wasnt answering and then a few minutes later he called me. He told me he just went driving around to clear his head. REally, Does he think I am that stupid??????????
Well had toget a little out so now I gotta go and clean my house. I missed church this morning. I didnt feel like going cause I stayed up late watching forensic files and body of evidence then got scared and couldnt sleep. For the ones of you that post comments I am not sure if I am suppose to reply or even how to reply to it, so please know I really do appriciate it and thank yall so much you do really make me feel better!!!!!

If only my dreams would come true!

Well, I went to church tonight and I had a really good time. Awana started tonight for the kids and they loved it!! When I picked them up today they were really moody and we almost didn't go but we ended up going and really enjoyed ourselves!!! J did show up, but I just hope he was there for the right reasons. If so then God will take care of him. He also came to my work today and gave me money for child support. I was really shocked since I have been ignoring him so much lately. I set an appointment with the attorney general today for the 24th to meet so we get it all legal and it will come right out of his check so I will be able to depend on it not just wonder if he will be to messed up to get it to me. At church he told me he was sorry and he wasn't going to do it again, but why now? Why now that you have lost your family should he stop? He still is trying to tell me that he hasn't done it in the few months that we have been back together till this weekend. I don't know if that is true or not. I think he probably wasn't doing it most of the time he was home but I think he has done it at least the last 2 weeks or he knew he was planning on doing it. So he admited he has a problem and he wants and needs help and he said that he is ready to get it now. Well so what he is telling me is that he hasn't done it in 3 or so months and he does it this weekend and now he has a problem??? If he had a problem wouldn't he have had a problem going without it that long. Either way he isn't coming back to my house. My kids aren't going to be second best to to crack or ice to someone they love so dearly! He told me that he hopes to God I don't find someone before he gets better but if I do he knows it is his fault. Guys let me know are these all famos last words of an addict? I hope he is sincere for himself but I don't know.
I am so overwhelmed with my life right now. I am so sleepy and want to go to bed but I have so much homework to do and my house looks like a trash dump!!! I will have a few hours before work tomorrow I think I will do my homeowork then and go to bed now and get a goodnight sleep, for the house...... I am hoping to wake up in the morning and it just be clean........j/k guys I am crazy but not that crazy I know that won't happen but hey I can still dream right............Goodnight!!!

When will I be #1

I want to know when I will get to be #1 in someones life. I was never number one to my mom and my dad seemed to for get I exsisted. They were both alcoholics. Now my husband is an addict as well and I when he wasn't his mom was his main concern. Why is it that everyone in my life that I love and care for has something that is more important. When will I get to be someones priority??????? I want someone who cares about me and thinks of me all the time and wants to do everything they can to make me happy and just to love me for me..... I have my kids but even they would rather be at their grannys house than with me. This isn't some pitty trip on me but I am just really down tonight. I talked to J because he just showed up at my house again. He informed me on his drug of choice this weekend which was ice. He spent so much money on him and his brother getting fucked up that it makes my body hurt. Then he wants to tell me he loves me....which is a fucking joke and that he is sorry and that we are going to work through this........ yeah right sorry to bust your bubble j but it is over for good. I am not going to live my life for someone who is just going to hurt me and make me feel the way he does. I am starting to get really stressed out and all I can do is cry. I am in college taking 3 classes which isn't a whole lot but when you are raising 3 young kids and working full time by yourself it can be very stressful. Why did he act so supportive of me going back to school by telling me he would be there to take care of the kids on the night I had to work late and the night I had lots of homework. I have never really had to do it on my own, I have always had him to fall back on and now I don't and it is scaring the hell out of me. My house is a disaster, I have lots of bills due, lots of shit to read for school and all I can do is worry about my stupid husband and what the hell he is doing. Well I am going to go to bed now I have school in the morning. I hope tomrrow is a better day!!

Wondering

I was wondering am I doing what I am suppose to be doing? I am not douting myself in the sense that I believe his lies or that I don't deserve better but am I suppose to try to help him? My friend married to my ex keeps trying to get me to understand he is sick, well in any other circumstance if he were "sick" I would be there to take care of him. I mean should I be there for him trying to get him some help. I am sure this is a time where he really needs someone who cares about him not one of his crackheaded friends but how am I suppose to get him help if he won't admit to me he has a problem. I feel like I am doing the right thing by kicking him out but really I am just giving him more freedom to do it when he wants which is just going to make him worse. Recently we had found a church we both enjoyed going to and I went this Sunday without him. I know at church they talk about making it through your problems. I am just confused..... I love him and I want to help him. If I was in a time of need like this I would hope he would be there for me. Someone please give me some advice on this one.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!!!!!

WEll my not talking to him ended when he showed up at our house today. I was nervous and didn't want to answer the door but I did. I cracked open the door and he was gripping about "why have I not been answering". He ended up coming in to give our 17 month old son a hug and kiss and then was suppose to leave. He sat down and argued with me for a minute about who was I sleeping with and who was at the house this weekend. He always seems to excuse me when he is really messed up. Funny how that works right..... I am always a whore and a lieing bitch when he is lieing and messed up. Finally got him to leave and then he decided to walk back up to the house, he said through the door he wanted his weedeater. I didn't answer or even let him know I was standing at the door watching him through the peep hole but he stayed for about 30 minutes. Then finally left. Since then I have talked to him on the phone a few times but I just end up crying so I am again not taking his calls. I know it kills him for me not to answer. He has called me non stop for an hour and a half. I answered once and put him on speaker to say goodnight to the kids and he didn't he was just gripping at me for not answering so I hung up. I am just going to have to ignore him. I went to the grocery store this evening and they are settign out all there Haloween stuff. Fall is going to be really hard!!!!! There is all the holidays and the cool weather, just makes you want to have someone there. Luckly my 3 and 5 year old were not home when he came by. I really wish I could get over all this anger. It makes me so mad that he thinks I am stupid enough to believe the lies he is telling me. I could see it in his face today. I know how he looks when he is messed up. He ended up clearing out his bank account today which means his whole $500 payday loan he got in gone in a day and a half. I had wrote a check for daycare out of his account and now it will be returned and I will have to make up for it. That should be no problem since I have so much money just laying around......NOT, hell I am going to struggle to pay the bills. I don't understand how someoen can be so selfish. I am just not like that. I am always thinking of someone else especially my kids. Do you think he at least knows what he is doing is wrong and hurting me and the kids? and if so does he even feel bad? It would make me feel better to know he did instead of thinking that he really believes the things he tells me.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!!!

Well today I didn't take any of his calls and I didn't answer any of his text messages. I am very proud of myself for this! I haven't talked to him since last night which yes I understand that doesn't seem like along time but since we have been together we have never gone this long without talking even when we were seperated before we still talked all the time. This is vvery hard for me, he know I am not doing anything I have the 3 kids to take care of but I have no idea what he is doing. Well I do have som idea but I know everytime I think I know it is always way worse. I saw on his ohone bill he has called B all day which must meanhe is really needing some crack. I cannot believe him. I am just having the hardest time understanding this... I know I have said this before but why is he doing this to us?? I don't get it, me and him have had conversations and he has told me that he knows he was hurting his kids and he would never ever do it again. I love my kids more than anything in the world and I could never and would never hurt them this way. It is so damn hard for me not to call him.... All we would do is fight or he wouldn't answer and then I would go crazy and call over and over and over for an hour till he decided to answer. God I just want to punch him in the face and ask him WHY THE FUCK IS HE DOING THIS????????? Someone please help me understand and cope with this cause I am seriously about to explode inside. At least he is getting an out he gets to get high and have a few good monments.... You know he hasn't even called to check on his kids or say hey I know tomorrow is Labor day and I am off and you gotta work so how about I watch the kids, hell no nothing about the kids no text to even check on them. Our son has been sick and we took him to the Er Friday night and has he cared to call and see how he is. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does the anger stop????

Lets see if this work.....

Okay... this is my first blogg. My best friend does this and she said that it is really helpful. I am hoping it will get all of this out of me and she is probably hoping the same thing. I am sure I am driving her crazy with my life. I know I am driving myself crazy with it. Well I will start with a little about me so that you can get familiar with my situation. I am 24, 3 kids and have been married for a little over 2 years. We have not had a very happy marriage. We fight ALOT!! Now not only do we fight we are battling a crack, ice or whatever else he is on. I don't know much about drugs cause I never did them except smoke weed a couple of time so I am having a really hard time with this. I know he did it for a little while right before we got together but had no idea he was an addict. I have known him for years before and he wasn't doing drugs then. Since then I am sure he has continued to do and I am just to stupid to see it. We recently seperated for a few months and thats when I know he started doing it again. It was only for a few months but I guess that was enough. He has been back in the house for I guess about 3 months now...Of course swearing he would never touch it again because he loves me and the kids and relizes he would lose us. Okay well that was fine and dandy for a little while but come on I know he is doing it again. I made him move out again today. I am so angry that he is doing this to our family!!!! I mean he saw how much he hurt the kids when he was gone...no wait he didn't see it cause he was never around but I saw it but he did see how happy they were when he came home and they had a "dad" again. I do think the word "dad" means so much to different people but that is a whole other day of blogg topic for me. I really do have a lot to say so I hope I don't bore anyone. Anyways back to why he is gone. Well the 2 weeks he has been just throwing sign at me that he is using. I mean it is so obvious, if it was anymore it would knock me in the head and today I will say that it did. Finally after his up and down roller coaster of everyday emotions, all the accussing I am getting(which I have always heard if you are accussing someone of something a lot it is cause you are feeling guilty for something you are doing) and the flat out lies I am getting from him, I looked on his phone bill and no I am not stalking him but I knew his brother was in town which his brother is a huge crackhead and I know he can't resist the temptation when he is around, so I looked because I know there is a select few people that are only on his phone when his brother is on town or when he isn't living with me and it is his friends that he does drugs with. when he moved back in he changed his number so they couldn't call him. What do ya know there was one of their numbers right there on his ohone. He called them several times today and even yesterday.... Oh my god!! He tried to feed me some bull shit that he found out B had recently had surgry and wanted to call him..."Whats wrong with that" Well honey whats wrong with that is that the only time you ever talk to him is when you are doing drugs so what does it atter if he had surgry?????? You are not his friend so why did you need to call him...... Even if that were the case which I know it isn't he knows I have been suspecting he is using again so why would he call him knowing I could easly see he called him. I can't decide am I more mad that he is using or am I more mad that he thinks I am that stupid enough to believe his dumb bull shit he is trying to feed me. So not only did that happen today, he also made me think he was working late when he was actually already off work and had been home and changed and left the house again. He was going to get a pay day loan....Payday loan for what, you just got paid Wednesday and I got paid yesterday. He actually replies with "well I was going to go and get you an early birthday present till you started being a bitch" Is he kidding me???? Whatever, no he ended up at rent a tire and got him new tires and 20" rims...what he really needed right. So when I got home from work I went and threw all his clothes in my front yard...yes as trashy as it sounds and is I threw his clothes in my front lawn. My neighbors probably think I am the craziest person they know. I hate the things he makes me do or how he makes me act and the person I am with him. I hate it!!! I know I am in control of myself but I am having a huge time controlling me. So now he is gone sitting at his moms house which his mom is another story as well you will hear lots about her, she has gladly put in her cents in our seperation. anyways sitting there with his crackhead brother. Well it is Saturday night and every Saturday night he goes to bed at like 8:30 because that morning he was up at 3 for work, well this is a probalem every weekend cause I want him to stay up with me and spend time with me but no he never does. Well at 11:30 he calls me on his way home from the bar with his brother...okay whatever he was on South side getting dope not drinking some beer at Razoozs. I am not stupid, I can tell so I say okay honey bunny go ahead and go to Walgreens and get a drug test and come and prove it to me. You always say that you swear to God that anytime I ask you will take a test right then to prove you are not using so hot shot go get one and come to the house. Then thats when it really and truly hit me..... he wouldn't he made every excuse he could, he was tired, what would it matter if he did, it wouldn't make me want him, he doesn't have to prove anything to me I made him leave.....and so on. He said he would do it in the morning. No I want it now and J if you even care how much you are hurting me then you will do it. Who cares if you are tired you aren't that far from me J please just prove it to me!!!!!!!!!! and as he was still talking his way into taking it tomorrow morning knowing I wouldn't end up just saying forget it doesn't matter by then anyways..... I relized he WAS already proving it to me... It was there, right there hitting me in the face. He was proving it. He wouln't take the test and that proves he was using. I ahte him, I hate him for doing this to my kids!!!!!!! and me!! Why would he do this to us, why are we not worth more. My kids are the best thing ever and why does he not see that. Why?????? I am so angry. I have a very good friend that yall probably all know she is a blogger on here and she has been through this so she see's it before it happend, she keeps telling me that it isn't that, he is sick and can't help it... Well I can't believe that I feel in my heart he is doing this because he wants to and he likes it not because he has to, Maybe I am wrong but I just don't feel it. My mom was an alcoholic when I was a child and I feel she couldn't help it. She was sick and I can deal with that, I can't deal with my husband doing this to my family!! to my kids. they are Sweet innocent, perfect little kids and they don't deserve this. He can do this to himself all he wants but why does this have to effect us so much?? We aren't doing it! It isn't fair!!!!!!!!!!!! I am done with him, I am done taking his calls to listen to his bull shit, I am done letting him see the kids till we are in court which I know isn't right but he is going to know what he lost. I want him to hurt and miss them like they will miss him for him doing this to us. I am not going to ask for his money in child support till court, it isn't worth having to cakk him and kiss his ass a few days before pay day which means I will be moving very soon so I can handle it on my own. I don't want to move, I feel like I am putting my kids through enough. They are only 5, 3 and 1. They just went thought this all 3 months ago. When he came home I didn't want him to move back in I wanted him to prove he had changed first and he didn't he just came right back in. I knew this is what would happen and we would just hurt the kids again, so I can't decide if I am more mad at him for doing this or me for letting it happen?????????