Lets see if this work.....

Okay... this is my first blogg. My best friend does this and she said that it is really helpful. I am hoping it will get all of this out of me and she is probably hoping the same thing. I am sure I am driving her crazy with my life. I know I am driving myself crazy with it. Well I will start with a little about me so that you can get familiar with my situation. I am 24, 3 kids and have been married for a little over 2 years. We have not had a very happy marriage. We fight ALOT!! Now not only do we fight we are battling a crack, ice or whatever else he is on. I don't know much about drugs cause I never did them except smoke weed a couple of time so I am having a really hard time with this. I know he did it for a little while right before we got together but had no idea he was an addict. I have known him for years before and he wasn't doing drugs then. Since then I am sure he has continued to do and I am just to stupid to see it. We recently seperated for a few months and thats when I know he started doing it again. It was only for a few months but I guess that was enough. He has been back in the house for I guess about 3 months now...Of course swearing he would never touch it again because he loves me and the kids and relizes he would lose us. Okay well that was fine and dandy for a little while but come on I know he is doing it again. I made him move out again today. I am so angry that he is doing this to our family!!!! I mean he saw how much he hurt the kids when he was gone...no wait he didn't see it cause he was never around but I saw it but he did see how happy they were when he came home and they had a "dad" again. I do think the word "dad" means so much to different people but that is a whole other day of blogg topic for me. I really do have a lot to say so I hope I don't bore anyone. Anyways back to why he is gone. Well the 2 weeks he has been just throwing sign at me that he is using. I mean it is so obvious, if it was anymore it would knock me in the head and today I will say that it did. Finally after his up and down roller coaster of everyday emotions, all the accussing I am getting(which I have always heard if you are accussing someone of something a lot it is cause you are feeling guilty for something you are doing) and the flat out lies I am getting from him, I looked on his phone bill and no I am not stalking him but I knew his brother was in town which his brother is a huge crackhead and I know he can't resist the temptation when he is around, so I looked because I know there is a select few people that are only on his phone when his brother is on town or when he isn't living with me and it is his friends that he does drugs with. when he moved back in he changed his number so they couldn't call him. What do ya know there was one of their numbers right there on his ohone. He called them several times today and even yesterday.... Oh my god!! He tried to feed me some bull shit that he found out B had recently had surgry and wanted to call him..."Whats wrong with that" Well honey whats wrong with that is that the only time you ever talk to him is when you are doing drugs so what does it atter if he had surgry?????? You are not his friend so why did you need to call him...... Even if that were the case which I know it isn't he knows I have been suspecting he is using again so why would he call him knowing I could easly see he called him. I can't decide am I more mad that he is using or am I more mad that he thinks I am that stupid enough to believe his dumb bull shit he is trying to feed me. So not only did that happen today, he also made me think he was working late when he was actually already off work and had been home and changed and left the house again. He was going to get a pay day loan....Payday loan for what, you just got paid Wednesday and I got paid yesterday. He actually replies with "well I was going to go and get you an early birthday present till you started being a bitch" Is he kidding me???? Whatever, no he ended up at rent a tire and got him new tires and 20" rims...what he really needed right. So when I got home from work I went and threw all his clothes in my front yard...yes as trashy as it sounds and is I threw his clothes in my front lawn. My neighbors probably think I am the craziest person they know. I hate the things he makes me do or how he makes me act and the person I am with him. I hate it!!! I know I am in control of myself but I am having a huge time controlling me. So now he is gone sitting at his moms house which his mom is another story as well you will hear lots about her, she has gladly put in her cents in our seperation. anyways sitting there with his crackhead brother. Well it is Saturday night and every Saturday night he goes to bed at like 8:30 because that morning he was up at 3 for work, well this is a probalem every weekend cause I want him to stay up with me and spend time with me but no he never does. Well at 11:30 he calls me on his way home from the bar with his brother...okay whatever he was on South side getting dope not drinking some beer at Razoozs. I am not stupid, I can tell so I say okay honey bunny go ahead and go to Walgreens and get a drug test and come and prove it to me. You always say that you swear to God that anytime I ask you will take a test right then to prove you are not using so hot shot go get one and come to the house. Then thats when it really and truly hit me..... he wouldn't he made every excuse he could, he was tired, what would it matter if he did, it wouldn't make me want him, he doesn't have to prove anything to me I made him leave.....and so on. He said he would do it in the morning. No I want it now and J if you even care how much you are hurting me then you will do it. Who cares if you are tired you aren't that far from me J please just prove it to me!!!!!!!!!! and as he was still talking his way into taking it tomorrow morning knowing I wouldn't end up just saying forget it doesn't matter by then anyways..... I relized he WAS already proving it to me... It was there, right there hitting me in the face. He was proving it. He wouln't take the test and that proves he was using. I ahte him, I hate him for doing this to my kids!!!!!!! and me!! Why would he do this to us, why are we not worth more. My kids are the best thing ever and why does he not see that. Why?????? I am so angry. I have a very good friend that yall probably all know she is a blogger on here and she has been through this so she see's it before it happend, she keeps telling me that it isn't that, he is sick and can't help it... Well I can't believe that I feel in my heart he is doing this because he wants to and he likes it not because he has to, Maybe I am wrong but I just don't feel it. My mom was an alcoholic when I was a child and I feel she couldn't help it. She was sick and I can deal with that, I can't deal with my husband doing this to my family!! to my kids. they are Sweet innocent, perfect little kids and they don't deserve this. He can do this to himself all he wants but why does this have to effect us so much?? We aren't doing it! It isn't fair!!!!!!!!!!!! I am done with him, I am done taking his calls to listen to his bull shit, I am done letting him see the kids till we are in court which I know isn't right but he is going to know what he lost. I want him to hurt and miss them like they will miss him for him doing this to us. I am not going to ask for his money in child support till court, it isn't worth having to cakk him and kiss his ass a few days before pay day which means I will be moving very soon so I can handle it on my own. I don't want to move, I feel like I am putting my kids through enough. They are only 5, 3 and 1. They just went thought this all 3 months ago. When he came home I didn't want him to move back in I wanted him to prove he had changed first and he didn't he just came right back in. I knew this is what would happen and we would just hurt the kids again, so I can't decide if I am more mad at him for doing this or me for letting it happen?????????